THE ITALIAN CONFESSION

> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:

> 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

> 'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays. The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger.

> But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

> 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more Question. 'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'SHOULD I TELL HER THAT THE WAR IS OVER'?

THE TEMPTATION

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

HONEST PRIEST

A distinguished young woman on a flight from

Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?""Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?""I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.""With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The Official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my Head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father

DESPERATE TYMS CALL 4 DESPERATE MEASURES

A serial killer broke into a house and confronted a frightened couple.
"What are ur names? I like to know my victims' names before I kill them"
He demanded.
The woman said "My name is Elizabeth ."
"I won't kill you because my mother's name is Elizabeth " he answered.
He turned to the terrified man and said, "Wena what's ur name?"
"I'm Peter but my friends call me Elizabeth" he replied.

BY PHATTY JOE

THE DOCTER

A woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me,there's a bee in my v****a!"
her husband immediately took her to the local doctor andexplained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said,"Hmm,tricky situation.
But I have a solution to the problem if you would permit.
"The husband being very concerned agreed that thedoctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's v****a.The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my p***s and insert it into your wife's v****a.When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it andthe bee should hopefully follow my p***s out of your wife's v****a"The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes,whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his p***s with honey, inserted it into the young lady's v****a. After a few strokes, the doctor said, "the bee hasn't scented the honey yet.
"Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper.After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts andstarted making loud noises.The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted,"Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"