The Wrinkled Nightgown
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A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
Monday, February 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
A Master Blaster
A husband and wife were traveling by car from Johannesburg to Cape Town.After a tiresome long distance of travelling, they were too tired tocontinue. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room and planned to sleep forfour hours and get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk charged themR750. The man exploded and demanded the reason for such a high price. The clerk told him R750 was the standard rate. The man asked to speak to the Manager. The Manager listened to the man and explained the hotel had an Olympicsized pool and a huge conference centre, and they featured spectacularshows available to the clients. "The best entertainers from Jo' burg, Cape Town and Durban performhere", he explained. No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But wedidn't use it!" "Well, it was here, so you could have" replied the manager. "But wedidn't!!" exclaimed the now rather angry man.The manager was unmoved, and finally the man gave up and agreed to pay. He wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprisedwhen he looked at the cheque. "But sir," he said, "this cheque is made out for only R200!" "That's right," said the man," I charged you R550 for sleeping with mywife." "But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager. "Well," the man replied, "She was here, and you could have...........
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Ronaldo The Great No. 7
Planet transfixed by Ronaldo v Messi
19 May 2009, 19:51
When two of the world's most famous clubs come together to contest the UEFA Champions League final on 27 May in Rome, so too will two of the planet's best players.
Match-winnersSuch is the talent each side boasts, though, this statement could be applied to any number of the Manchester United FC and FC Barcelona squads: Xavi Hernández and Paul Scholes, Wayne Rooney and Samuel Eto'o, Thierry Henry and Dimitar Berbatov. The head-to-head of Barça's Lionel Messi and United No7 Cristiano Ronaldo, however, is perhaps the most mouthwatering contest.
Goals galoreTwo of the most marketable footballers on the planet, are also two of the most deadly − Ronaldo is the joint leading scorer in the Premier League with 18 goals, quite a feat for somebody considered a winger, while Messi is not far behind the Liga's Pichichi contenders with 23. The 21-year-old Argentinian averages exactly a goal every two league games in Spain (54 in 108 matches), while United's Portuguese international is almost as prolific, with 84 in 196 domestic league appearances.
Individual awardsWhen put to the vote, Ronaldo holds the edge; according to his peers and journalists anyway. The 24-year-old won the FIFA World Player of the Year and the Ballon d'Or in 2008, both times nudging Messi into second place. Last season saw a similar story in the UEFA Champions League scoring stakes as the former Sporting Clube de Portugal player edged Barça's No10 into the runners-up spot with his eight goals, including one in the final, to Messi's six. This term, though, Messi tops the charts with eight, while Ronaldo has scored just four to date. 'From another planet'Asked which of the two players was the best, Barcelona's Daniel Alves opted for his team-mate, saying: "He's from another planet because his ability is unbelievable; the way he can unbalance a match." He added of the impending meeting with Ronaldo: "I think it will be quite a duel and I hope that Messi will come out on top." Messi, meanwhile, refuted the suggestion that it would be a Messi v Ronaldo final. "No, it will be Barcelona v Manchester. These are the best teams in the world and this is a final that the people hoped for."
19 May 2009, 19:51
When two of the world's most famous clubs come together to contest the UEFA Champions League final on 27 May in Rome, so too will two of the planet's best players.
Match-winnersSuch is the talent each side boasts, though, this statement could be applied to any number of the Manchester United FC and FC Barcelona squads: Xavi Hernández and Paul Scholes, Wayne Rooney and Samuel Eto'o, Thierry Henry and Dimitar Berbatov. The head-to-head of Barça's Lionel Messi and United No7 Cristiano Ronaldo, however, is perhaps the most mouthwatering contest.
Goals galoreTwo of the most marketable footballers on the planet, are also two of the most deadly − Ronaldo is the joint leading scorer in the Premier League with 18 goals, quite a feat for somebody considered a winger, while Messi is not far behind the Liga's Pichichi contenders with 23. The 21-year-old Argentinian averages exactly a goal every two league games in Spain (54 in 108 matches), while United's Portuguese international is almost as prolific, with 84 in 196 domestic league appearances.
Individual awardsWhen put to the vote, Ronaldo holds the edge; according to his peers and journalists anyway. The 24-year-old won the FIFA World Player of the Year and the Ballon d'Or in 2008, both times nudging Messi into second place. Last season saw a similar story in the UEFA Champions League scoring stakes as the former Sporting Clube de Portugal player edged Barça's No10 into the runners-up spot with his eight goals, including one in the final, to Messi's six. This term, though, Messi tops the charts with eight, while Ronaldo has scored just four to date. 'From another planet'Asked which of the two players was the best, Barcelona's Daniel Alves opted for his team-mate, saying: "He's from another planet because his ability is unbelievable; the way he can unbalance a match." He added of the impending meeting with Ronaldo: "I think it will be quite a duel and I hope that Messi will come out on top." Messi, meanwhile, refuted the suggestion that it would be a Messi v Ronaldo final. "No, it will be Barcelona v Manchester. These are the best teams in the world and this is a final that the people hoped for."
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Unexpected Always Happens
Trust your partner
> A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her> husband to go to the party alone.
> He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
> So he took his Batman costume (mask) and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
> In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
> She put on a Goldilocks costume (mask). So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband enjoying himself on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he cuddled and occasionally giving a little kiss here and there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, his husband left his new partner devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
> After some more drinking he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had quick sex in the back seat. She slipped away before unmasking herself or her husband and went home and put her costume (mask) away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
> She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there. " Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played darts all evening."
>> "You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume playing darts all night!" She said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my Batman costume to your Dad who seemed to have had a jolly good time on the dance floor. Am told that he was seen by Frank taking a prostitute in a Goldilocks outfit out for a few minutes. Don't ask me what they did; you know your dad still wants to behave like a kid."
> A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her> husband to go to the party alone.
> He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
> So he took his Batman costume (mask) and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
> In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
> She put on a Goldilocks costume (mask). So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband enjoying himself on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he cuddled and occasionally giving a little kiss here and there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, his husband left his new partner devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
> After some more drinking he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had quick sex in the back seat. She slipped away before unmasking herself or her husband and went home and put her costume (mask) away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
> She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there. " Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played darts all evening."
>> "You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume playing darts all night!" She said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my Batman costume to your Dad who seemed to have had a jolly good time on the dance floor. Am told that he was seen by Frank taking a prostitute in a Goldilocks outfit out for a few minutes. Don't ask me what they did; you know your dad still wants to behave like a kid."
Thursday, April 30, 2009
a master blaster
Asazi
An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he isvery sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles.Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news foryou. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard ofhere. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says
"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc". The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your "tool".The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgeryis your only choice".The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims"Ah yes, Mongolian VD.Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do?My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he isvery sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles.Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news foryou. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard ofhere. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says
"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc". The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your "tool".The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgeryis your only choice".The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims"Ah yes, Mongolian VD.Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do?My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
Friday, March 27, 2009
THE ITALIAN CONFESSION
> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:
> 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
> 'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays. The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger.
> But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
> 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more Question. 'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'SHOULD I TELL HER THAT THE WAR IS OVER'?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
THE TEMPTATION
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
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